allowing.

content notes: depression, worrying, feeling scared, implied weight gain and body image mentions, clothes, food, academic work

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I wrote this while feeling in a bit of a funk the other day, after spending a whole day with a lovely friend! We talked through lots of feelings about getting stuck and upset but knowing 1) what you want to do to get out of a rough and patch, and 2) knowing that you will be able to do it, because you’ve survived rough things before and always made it! We spoke about self-care and writing and reading and doing necessary things and treating yourself and allowing yourself to change and grow and feel different and maybe change back, both emotionally and physically, and it was all super empowering and lovely.

So now, a few days post-funk and while feeling pretty tip-top about my productivity (including getting good work done and buying some decent fitting clothes FINALLY, including some big swooshy trousers that are making today better by orders of magnitude), I thought I would give my scribble a share.

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There comes a point when you realise that what you call ‘not caring’ is just trying really really hard not to care. But of course it bothers you. It all bothers you. Of course it bothers you.

You don’t have the energy and you don’t have the drive and none of your clothes fit and you don’t know what anyone thinks of you anymore. You care. You’re scared.

But you also get up some days and do exactly what you need to do, somehow, and eat things that taste nice and fill you up and drink loads of water and stave off a headache and put on your make-up just to take a photo of yourself, fake it ’til you make it, except you’re not faking it, not really, not always: sometimes you really do feel light and full and rested and active and gorgeous. And it all bothers you but you try not to let it bother you too much. You listen to your friends and remember they love you. You remember that you have a space in their hearts and minds not against their will, but because they invited you in: you take up space in their rooms and arms and heads, and time out of their days, months, summers, winters, both when you are sad and when you are happy, because they care and they want you there. You try not to let the bothering get too much. You remember that you cannot know what people think of you anymore because you could never know in the first place, and you don’t have to know, because your friends think of you as their friend and you know yourself, most of the time, and it kind of stops there. You try not to let it take over. You remember you love yourself and buy yourself some new clothes because you deserve to have ones that fit and you deserve to feel radiant and you are allowed to change and take up space, more space, less space, different space.

You try really hard. You let yourself not try. You care. You’re alright.

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